About 2 weeks ago I really had a breakthrough. I decided to have fun with this! This was my chance to rediscover who I am, what I want out of life, and reconnect with people again. The business went down, but new opportunities presented themselves. Good opportunities. I ended up getting hired by one of my clients with a stable income and more security. This is exactly what I needed right now. I’m able to keep my home and my family fed. Things were looking up and I was really starting to feel good … that is until … I had to face the challenging issue of being separated from my beautiful wife.

It was really easy recovering from the loss of the business, but with my wife … not so much. My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We met our senior year in college. Both of us weren’t looking for a long term relationship during our last year of school, but fate had a different plan. It was the end of summer and we were just getting ready to start the fall semester when we started dating. We fell head over heals immediately. We talked marriage after the first week and we were engaged after only 28 days. What can I say … when you know you know. When you find the right person you just know in your heart THIS is the one!

Our marriage had its ups and downs like any other, but we always knew we loved each other. We rarely fought. Our typical arguments were usually about me spending too much money on toys or gadgets. However, for that last 7 years or so we always seemed to have the same discussion. Generally it was because I worked all the time, long hours at the office or even working at night after I got home. She would tell me I wasn’t participating in the marriage and she felt like we were room mates. I would start doing better then she would forgive me and things would be good for about 6 months. Same topic would resurface and we’d do it all over again.

What can I say … when you know you know. When you find the right person you just know in your heart THIS is the one!

I was always faithful, never cheated on her, I don’t drink excessively, and I was never abusive. But in hindsight I guess what I was doing would be considered worse than any of those things … I was not doing a good job of showing her my love. She was always giving, she was my rock, and I would start taking that for granted. I always knew she was there for me no matter what. But all that changed this November.

When she asked for the separation I was completely blindsided. Of course I was already reeling from the business, but this was 1,000 times worse. So I lost it. A complete mental breakdown, depression, anxiety … it has been unreal!

Since that time I’ve made a lot of progress. This past Friday I came home from work feeling really good about myself and the path I was on. I was having fun again. I felt alive! That evening I approached my wife and told her this doesn’t have to be this way. Why don’t we renew our courtship, start all over. She flatly said no. She was not ready. Talk about a buzz kill! I felt completely deflated. What? Don’t you even want to discuss this? Of course not … she was feeling pressured.

The problem is I couldn’t grasp the concept of her not wanting to be with me. She had asked for space and time, I wasn’t giving it to her. I wrote love notes to her, wrote her poems (the same poems posted on this site), long emails talking about how much happier I felt, profession my love, texting her about how much I was thinking about her and missing her. I thought it would help if she knew what was in my heart. Wrong! What I was doing was pushing her further and further away from me. She didn’t want to hear that. She wanted to see my progress herself without me shoving it in her face. There was no desire to discuss the marriage right now, she wanted me to focus on making myself happy and get better. She wanted to see personal growth in me. No matter how many poems and notes I sent she wasn’t buying it.

I challenged her on her faithfulness thinking she may have found someone else. I was very jealous. That pushed her away. Then I did something even more stupid … I texted one of her friends to gain insight. Of course the friend told her and I had crossed the line again. All of this has been going on for about 4 weeks and each time I would end up making her feel pressure. I was really not getting it and the harder I would try the further I would push her away.

Up and down, this roller coaster ride. I would feel good, write her something, get pushed away … and then I would crash. Each time sinking back into a depression. This week we finally cleared the air and I’ve come to realize my actions were inappropriate and selfish. She asked for space and privacy … I wasn’t giving it to her. Now I finally get it. She wants to see if the person she married still lives inside me. She wants the opportunity to see the real me and determine if she still wants to be with me. She wants to see if she can fall in love with me again.

My challenge now is to find myself and be myself without involving her. It is extremely difficult to show her how happy I am and how much I’ve grown while I’m sitting here with a broken heart. But I’m determined. I feel completely responsible and guilty for the way I’ve been ignoring her. I can’t believe I’ve missed it this whole time. All she wants is a husband to love her back and show her how much she means. And I was too consumed with working and running the business to pay any attention. How foolish and selfish I’ve been … she deserves so much more.

So now I press on finding happiness in just being me. She is my best friend … so we’ll just start there as friends. It’s taken me a long time to figure that out … but hopefully I can finally get off this crazy ride!

You were taken from my dreams
My dream girl in the flesh
What a beautiful bride

My mind continues to wander
The day you had our first child
Exhausting night into the next day
The look on your face as you heard, “its a boy!”

A fleeting second of shock
Wiped away with elation and delight
What a beautiful mother

My mind drifts through the years
Many memories of you flood my mind
You giving, supporting, loving
Bright eyes smiling at me, my heart melts

Through the years of joy and pain
You held me up with just a glance
What a beautiful wife

Putting the picture down, the moment nearly passes
Seeing you today with new eyes
Thinking of the woman you have become
A pillar of strength and remarkable beauty

A laugh, a twinkle of the eye
The radiant warm glow of your loving heart
The most beautiful woman I’ve ever known

Loneliness hovers
Overhead looming darkness
Until you walk in

Why do I take a breath
When you are the air I breathe
And you are not here

I was in the dark
Searching for my happiness
Joy is in the heart

I started the day like any other, feeling down about the separation from my wife, wondering how I could possibly face the day, cried for a bit, and then lumbered into the shower. Great … another day in paradise I thought. However, this morning I had an appointment with a new therapist. Not that my first one didn’t help me, she did, but not like this. I made an appointment with a Pastor/Counselor at my church. The church is big and has a large staff of counselors to help with depression and anxiety. This turned out to be the turning point.

I had my appointment at 10:00am. I really didn’t know what to expect. I just knew that it felt right. When we get to the office and I start telling my story I broke down in tears. It was terrible to relive the pain again. This time, however, felt completely different from my past therapy sessions. It felt personal and not clinical. I wasn’t just filling in a form of questions and hoping to find something that would work for me. No, this guy talked me through it from his first-hand experience and pin pointed what I was going through in a matter of minutes. He knew exactly what I was feeling. He knew exactly why my wife asked for the separation. Finally … clarity.

I don’t have to be depressed about my life. It is MY choice and I choose to be happy!

Here are some of the highlights from the session:

• About my depression – Depression always comes from experiencing a loss. With me losing my business AND losing my wife I had a double dose of depression. It was crashing down on me from all sides. He explained to me a few things I already knew, but filled in the blanks. He broke it down into 4 elements of change to get me away from the abyss of darkness (depression). First, was physical. Take medication, exercise and healthy diet. Knew that one. The second was relational. Connect with everyone and establish relationships … come out of my shell. Knew that one too. The next one was behavior. This one was new to me. He described this as self-medication. When you are feeling down you look to something to quickly relieve the pain like drugs, alcohol, sex, fantasy or whatever high you need to feel relief. This is like an addiction. For me it was purchasing new gadgets or finding the best brand of something I just HAD to have. Also, I believe my wife was one of my addictions as well. She was the relief to all my pain and suffering … or my source of happiness. This is not healthy … and now I understood what she has been telling me all along. Anytime you turn to these types of addictions the relief is a temporary fix and you always end up feeling guilty, down on yourself, and then right back into the depression. To get past this, he told me to do the opposite of what I was doing, to embrace the pain instead of running from it. Sit in the pain he said. Experience it for it is the truth and not an altered form of reality. That was HUGE! And last, but certainly not least, was spirituality. Trust in God for he has a plan for me. Now, I’ve certainly heard that before, but this time I was really feeling it in my heart, my soul. He then gave me some Bible references and sent me on my way. It started to feel amazing at that point.
• About my anxiety – Anxiety is all about control. Attempting to control everything, and worrying about things you can’t control. Seems pretty straightforward. Then he added more and nailed exactly how I was feeling. He told me that when you have this type of anxiety you always visualize the worst possible scenario and believe it is inevitable. But that’s not reality. That’s not the truth. He added this statistic, 80% of what most people worry about never turns out to be as bad as imagined. When I started to realize ALL of this was only in my head I opened my eyes to the truth. It was truly inspiring to see reality for a change. I just had to let go of the worry and give it to God. No longer do I need to visualize the worst and expect the worst. Just look at the truth and react accordingly. Sound simple? It is … just let go.

So now I’ve had enough with feeling depressed and worrying about everything. I’m D-O-N-E! My wife gave me the best gift in the world when she told me to go find myself and make myself happy. This is MY opportunity to rediscover and redefine myself any way I want. This is my chance to do whatever I like. It’s okay to think of only yourself and not worry about what everyone else thinks. When I let go, it hit me. I can have FUN with this! I can make my own rules here. I’m the only one that control what I feel, what I want out of life. Amazing … truly amazing to realize I have a choice … I don’t have to be depressed about my life. It is MY choice and I choose to be happy!

I’ve been running my own business for 3 and a half years. Before that, I moved to Florida with the promise of a prosperous career with a new company. In a little less than 6 months I found out the company was in trouble. The company then sold out and I was able to retain the new owners as a client … and that’s how the business started. Ever since I’ve moved here, I’ve never once felt like I was on solid ground. I guess that is when the depression really got started. I believe now that I may have had it quite a bit longer, but from that point everything got worse … especially the anxiety. I was constantly worried about something, work, bills, house, etc., and this is what drove my wife away from me.

Fast forward to early November, 2009. My wife comes to me and asked for a separation. She is tired of the fact that I don’t want to go out, don’t want to spend time with her, don’t pay attention to the things going on around the house, and that I keep everything bottled up inside. She has tried to tell me I was making her unhappy a number of times, but I didn’t get it … until now.

The separation part goes like this. I need to get help and focus on getting myself better. She is on the fence with the marriage and does not know if she will ever be willing to be married to me again. Since she has been my enabler all these years, she does not want me to look to her for support … not as my wife anyway. I have to do this on my own this time with no guarantees she’ll be there when I get better.

So now what? She expects me to focus on myself and NOT on the marriage. That is simply impossible for me as SHE is my world. I work hard for her and the family. She is the reason I work. I know I must get better if there is going to be a chance for us. And I must do this for myself and not her. I understand this. But that presents a problem.

Here’s the pickle. I have been so focused on my business that everyone in my family suffers. I’ve been so disconnected that I’ve driven a wedge between myself and my wife. How can I focus on myself without reconnecting with everyone … including her. If I continue to avoid her and throw myself into my work it puts me right back on the road to destruction. Old habits will show themselves, the behaviors I’ve shown in the past will continue to drive us apart. That won’t work. If I pay more attention to her and the marriage, she will have the impression my new behaviors are only to win back her affection. I’m supposed to be getting myself happy and not focus on her. If I try too hard or smother her with affection, it too will drive her further away. What a pickle.

It’s a delicate balance that I have no clue how to handle. I’m terrified that work will consume me again if I pay too much attention to it. I’m also terrified of losing myself and slipping into the same traps. In order for me to move forward and better myself I must show my wife how much she means to me. Change habits and pay more attention to my surroundings and reconnect with the people in my life. At the same time I can not keep everything bottled up and continue to worry about everything in my head. Trying to find this balance of getting myself better, not focusing on my work or my marriage, is all foreign to me. The anxiety is as bad as ever with this new situation.

Everyone says, “one day at a time.” Yeah, yeah. I wish it was that easy. I’m still looking for the solution … what do I do?

Well, she finally reached her limit. My wife had gone through her own discovery of herself last year. Because I was bottled up, holding everything back for a number of years, she knew the only way for her to be happy was to do it herself. And she did just that. So last year she started working out, losing weight and it was obvious she found her true self once again. She was no longer content with me and my issues … she was going to be happy. She was no longer relying on ME for her happiness.

That’s the toughest part of all of this … the possibility of losing my beautiful wife, my best friend, my soul mate.

Near the beginning of this year she came to me and told me about what she had done for herself. Then she proceeded to tell me I need to not rely on her for my happiness. That I needed to make her a priority, instead of working and bottling up my emotions, and show her that I loved her for her. Well I got the message … or at least I thought I did. I worked on it the way I’ve always done. I was paying more attention to her and telling her I loved her. But actions speak louder than words. She could tell I was just going through the motions. The little things like calling her in the middle of the day, texting her just to say I was thinking of her or just hanging out with her and just talking. Those are the things that show love and affection. And not the forced actions or false affection because I thought that is what she wanted.

Enough is enough … this time she isn’t going to be there for me and she thinks its best we separate for now. This isn’t healthy for either one of us. Of course, I wanted to blame her and tell her she is wrong … but I knew in my heart she was right. I have depression and anxiety, this was my battle to fight and not hers. Her timing was impeccable as the business was failing and I thought there was no way out. So when she told me I was failing in the marriage everything I thought I knew was gone in that moment. Everything. I lost all control … I had hit rock bottom.

I cried for days, lost 20 pounds in a week, and simply could not function as a human being. Now I’m on a new journey. The medication, the therapy and my faith in God have really helped me as I am moving forward. I have made major steps in adjusting around the failing business. All of my clients are working with me to finish projects and creating new schedules so that I’m not overwhelmed. In fact, the compassion shown by my clients, my friends really, has been nothing short of astounding. I simply could not believe they all would understand what I was going through. ALL of them did and they have supported me tremendously through this tough time in my life. So now the work part of this is finally on the right track. But what about my marriage?

That’s the toughest part of all of this … the possibility of losing my beautiful wife, my best friend, my soul mate. When everything in YOUR world comes crashing to the ground, and you start to sort through the rubble, your priorities change in an instant. If you take everything away from me and I’m only allowed to chose one thing … without question my family is the only thing I need in this world. Everything else seems easy compared to dealing with losing my marriage. I know I’m on the right path and I will beat this thing. But doing it without her is undeniably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

So am I angry with my wife? Do I blame her for all of this? Is she being selfish? Is she a bad person? The answer is a definite NO. I admit in the beginning I didn’t understand why she pulled the rug out from under me. I really couldn’t see why she had to stop being the wife she had always been. Why was she not going to support me now of all times? I now see I have a problem … how come I have to do this alone? Truth is, I’m not alone. She just can’t be part of it.

Back to my first statement, she had to do this. If she didn’t I would still rely on her for my everything. This experience opened my eyes to what I’ve become. I didn’t just shut her out … I shut out everyone. My parents, my friends and my colleagues. Now I’ve started to reconnect with everyone I know. I’m hooking up with old friends I haven’t spoken to in years, calling or texting my parents daily, talking to my sister, finding friends on Twitter, and just opening up to everyone. This feels good. I’m finally coming out of my self-imposed shell and starting to live life again. While it feels right, and I know this is what I must do, I still have a enormous hole in my heart. I am on the right path … I only hope and pray she will be there somewhere along the way.

We can’t be together while I’m battling this. It isn’t healthy for anyone. If I have any hope at all for rebuilding my marriage, I must get myself healthy before I can go to her. I know this … but it doesn’t make it easier. In the meantime I am professing my love for her here in my blog, on Twitter and to anyone that will listen. She doesn’t want to hear it right now and I understand that. However, someday I hope she reads this blog, as she does not know about it yet, and maybe then she’ll be ready. Maybe then she’ll know just how much she means to me. I love her with all of my heart and I miss her terribly.

I have to face all of this, battle the depression, stop worrying about everything, close my business, find a job, pay the bills, keep the house, feed the family AND somehow make myself happy in the process. I have to do ALL of it. And do it with a broken heart.

You are the vision in my dream
A vision of sparkling blue eyes that gleam

I love you deep and true
It was always you

You are the wind in my sail
You are the wag in my tail

You are the voice inside my head
The last voice I hear as I lay down to bed

All I do, I do with you
It was always you

You take away my fears
You wipe away my tears

You are the light of my life
I have always been proud to call you my wife

The first time I saw you, I knew
It was always you

The artist,
Passionate thinker, creative mind, carefree spirit …
Is this me?

The businessman,
Mighty dollar, tactical consultant, strong work ethic …
Is this me?

The coach,
Fair minded, strategy focused, team before player …
Is this me?

The student,
Learned mind, keen observer, knowledge empowers the soul …
Is this me?

The man,
Heartbroken, questions everything, humbled by life …
Is this me?

Yes … this is me.

The first step … medication. She prescribed Zolof to help me feel better telling me it helps a chemical imbalance in my brain. Apparently the depression and anxiety can be treated by altering my brain chemistry. I wasn’t aware of this, but it is quite common. The bad news was that they will take 3 weeks to a month before I start feeling better. I simply could not bear the thought of living this way for that long. I couldn’t function at work, at home, or around my kids without having the need to sob uncontrollably. It was so bad that I found refuge in the back bedroom bathroom to stay away from everyone while I balled my eyes out.

The first day I took the medication was a truly unnerving experience. My body has to get used to the medication and there are side effects when you first start taking it. I was completely zoned out. A total zombie. It simply made me feel like there was nothing else going on in the world. While I welcomed the feeling of not worrying or being stressed out, this was a new way of feeling out of control. I would attempt to work and right in the middle of it find myself staring at nothing … thinking of nothing. It was a serious trip.

Of course after the first day I call my doctor. She assures me this is normal and I will get used to it soon, just keep taking it. Well, okay, it’s better than not doing anything. The odd sensation of staring and zoning out stopped after the third day. My uncontrollable crying fits also continued. I was completely a mess. About the fifth day I actually started to feel relief. Coaching my daughter’s softball team I found myself actually enjoying the moment. Wow … I DO feel better.

This was short-lived however. While I was experiencing relief one day, I would crash the next day. Really high highs and really low lows. It was like a roller coaster. But I kept taking the meds and after about a week and a half things started to feel normal and the roller coaster seems to be leveling out.

So … now I’ve been on medication for a little over two weeks. I don’t feel like a zombie anymore, but my anxiety is coming back. I guess it’s time to up the dosage.

Now, I never cry. I hold everything in and never let it out. This time however there was no way I could control it. Everything was coming out all at once. Every emotion I’ve ever felt in my life was emanating from me. This was the start of a complete meltdown.

I sobbed in my car before I left my house for about 15 minutes. The sobbing was violent, relentless and it felt like I was dying. Finally, I composed myself for I had an appointment before heading into the office. Holding it together, I made it through my appointment and headed to the office. On the way I decided to call my business partner to have a private conversation before seeing my employees. We decided it would be best for me to pick him up outside the office building and take a quick drive. We ended up at a park where I filled him in on the events that lead up to this meltdown. Discussing the stress of the office, the dire straights the company was in, the possibility of losing my wife and that I needed professional help. This was the first time I considered that I may have depression.

The day did not get any better. We drove back to the office where I would try to face the rest of my day. It didn’t last long. As I tried to hold it together, I received a call from one of my clients. I couldn’t even get one word out as I told him I couldn’t have the call. I broke down again in tears. After that call I wrote emails to others I had scheduled for the day. Then I went home to be alone.

No one was home, thankfully, as I made my way to my bedroom. I sobbed for nearly two straight hours with no relief. When my wife got home later that afternoon we tried to talk. Admitting to her that this was an issue I did not want to face, I explained she had shown light in areas I did not wish to explore. She talked and I sobbed. It was extremely painful to experience as emotions were streaming out of me with no end in sight.

Somehow we muddle through the evening. Dinner with the family, TV and then time for bed. It is late so I go on to bed. My wife is on the phone with a friend working on her latest project. They talk for nearly four hours. Exhausted, emotionally drained and scared out of my mind I ask my wife to please come to bed. She appears in the bedroom only a minute or two later. As we begin to talk and I ask her why she is talking on the phone for so long, she looks right in my eyes and says, “you realized I asked you for a separation … didn’t you?” Oh my God! No, I did not hear those words last night. She told me last night she was on the fence with the marriage and I needed to deal with my issues before we could go any further. So when I heard the word “separation” I lost all control again. Sheer panic went through me, I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t breathe, after all we’ve been through she wants to leave me?

I got zero sleep that night. Sobbing uncontrollably all night in my bed alone. At one point I simply screamed into my pillow out of pure frustration. From the other room my wife came in to comfort me. Thinking I had a nightmare she asked if I was alright. I simply replied, through sobs, “I’m awake. I’m living my nightmare.”

This routine of unyielding terror and constant tears did not stop all weekend. It was time to see the doctor and get help as soon as possible. There is no denying it any longer. The time was now and I could no longer hold anything in. Monday could not come soon enough.