I’m In A Pickle
If you’ve been reading this story then you know the basics. If not, let me get you up to speed.
I’ve been running my own business for 3 and a half years. Before that, I moved to Florida with the promise of a prosperous career with a new company. In a little less than 6 months I found out the company was in trouble. The company then sold out and I was able to retain the new owners as a client … and that’s how the business started. Ever since I’ve moved here, I’ve never once felt like I was on solid ground. I guess that is when the depression really got started. I believe now that I may have had it quite a bit longer, but from that point everything got worse … especially the anxiety. I was constantly worried about something, work, bills, house, etc., and this is what drove my wife away from me.
Fast forward to early November, 2009. My wife comes to me and asked for a separation. She is tired of the fact that I don’t want to go out, don’t want to spend time with her, don’t pay attention to the things going on around the house, and that I keep everything bottled up inside. She has tried to tell me I was making her unhappy a number of times, but I didn’t get it … until now.
The separation part goes like this. I need to get help and focus on getting myself better. She is on the fence with the marriage and does not know if she will ever be willing to be married to me again. Since she has been my enabler all these years, she does not want me to look to her for support … not as my wife anyway. I have to do this on my own this time with no guarantees she’ll be there when I get better.
So now what? She expects me to focus on myself and NOT on the marriage. That is simply impossible for me as SHE is my world. I work hard for her and the family. She is the reason I work. I know I must get better if there is going to be a chance for us. And I must do this for myself and not her. I understand this. But that presents a problem.
Here’s the pickle. I have been so focused on my business that everyone in my family suffers. I’ve been so disconnected that I’ve driven a wedge between myself and my wife. How can I focus on myself without reconnecting with everyone … including her. If I continue to avoid her and throw myself into my work it puts me right back on the road to destruction. Old habits will show themselves, the behaviors I’ve shown in the past will continue to drive us apart. That won’t work. If I pay more attention to her and the marriage, she will have the impression my new behaviors are only to win back her affection. I’m supposed to be getting myself happy and not focus on her. If I try too hard or smother her with affection, it too will drive her further away. What a pickle.
It’s a delicate balance that I have no clue how to handle. I’m terrified that work will consume me again if I pay too much attention to it. I’m also terrified of losing myself and slipping into the same traps. In order for me to move forward and better myself I must show my wife how much she means to me. Change habits and pay more attention to my surroundings and reconnect with the people in my life. At the same time I can not keep everything bottled up and continue to worry about everything in my head. Trying to find this balance of getting myself better, not focusing on my work or my marriage, is all foreign to me. The anxiety is as bad as ever with this new situation.
Everyone says, “one day at a time.” Yeah, yeah. I wish it was that easy. I’m still looking for the solution … what do I do?
This is my story of discovering I have depression and anxiety. Through this journey I will share my experiences in the hope of healing and beating this beast.
Hi friend,
First thing please note that it takes very little to re-claim your life.Think of what God has given to you. The best things in life are free. Worrying about materialistic achievements is useless. If , you want a change of scenario within your mind-set – first change yourself. Try to be with people who are friendly and dont compare with those who have – with what you dont have. Those who have – have more problems than you but they wont reveal where the shoe pinches. Take care and feel free to write to me. Just look for love and affection – doesnt matter where it is coming from. Get out of this shell.
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