Enough is Enough
Today it happened. It came to me from out of nowhere and smacked me right upside the head. I have a new understanding, a renewed sense of purpose that I pray and hope will last. Finally … I have had enough.
I started the day like any other, feeling down about the separation from my wife, wondering how I could possibly face the day, cried for a bit, and then lumbered into the shower. Great … another day in paradise I thought. However, this morning I had an appointment with a new therapist. Not that my first one didn’t help me, she did, but not like this. I made an appointment with a Pastor/Counselor at my church. The church is big and has a large staff of counselors to help with depression and anxiety. This turned out to be the turning point.
I had my appointment at 10:00am. I really didn’t know what to expect. I just knew that it felt right. When we get to the office and I start telling my story I broke down in tears. It was terrible to relive the pain again. This time, however, felt completely different from my past therapy sessions. It felt personal and not clinical. I wasn’t just filling in a form of questions and hoping to find something that would work for me. No, this guy talked me through it from his first-hand experience and pin pointed what I was going through in a matter of minutes. He knew exactly what I was feeling. He knew exactly why my wife asked for the separation. Finally … clarity.
I don’t have to be depressed about my life. It is MY choice and I choose to be happy!
Here are some of the highlights from the session:
- About my depression – Depression always comes from experiencing a loss. With me losing my business AND losing my wife I had a double dose of depression. It was crashing down on me from all sides. He explained to me a few things I already knew, but filled in the blanks. He broke it down into 4 elements of change to get me away from the abyss of darkness (depression). First, was physical. Take medication, exercise and healthy diet. Knew that one. The second was relational. Connect with everyone and establish relationships … come out of my shell. Knew that one too. The next one was behavior. This one was new to me. He described this as self-medication. When you are feeling down you look to something to quickly relieve the pain like drugs, alcohol, sex, fantasy or whatever high you need to feel relief. This is like an addiction. For me it was purchasing new gadgets or finding the best brand of something I just HAD to have. Also, I believe my wife was one of my addictions as well. She was the relief to all my pain and suffering … or my source of happiness. This is not healthy … and now I understood what she has been telling me all along. Anytime you turn to these types of addictions the relief is a temporary fix and you always end up feeling guilty, down on yourself, and then right back into the depression. To get past this, he told me to do the opposite of what I was doing, to embrace the pain instead of running from it. Sit in the pain he said. Experience it for it is the truth and not an altered form of reality. That was HUGE! And last, but certainly not least, was spirituality. Trust in God for he has a plan for me. Now, I’ve certainly heard that before, but this time I was really feeling it in my heart, my soul. He then gave me some Bible references and sent me on my way. It started to feel amazing at that point.
- About my anxiety – Anxiety is all about control. Attempting to control everything, and worrying about things you can’t control. Seems pretty straightforward. Then he added more and nailed exactly how I was feeling. He told me that when you have this type of anxiety you always visualize the worst possible scenario and believe it is inevitable. But that’s not reality. That’s not the truth. He added this statistic, 80% of what most people worry about never turns out to be as bad as imagined. When I started to realize ALL of this was only in my head I opened my eyes to the truth. It was truly inspiring to see reality for a change. I just had to let go of the worry and give it to God. No longer do I need to visualize the worst and expect the worst. Just look at the truth and react accordingly. Sound simple? It is … just let go.
So now I’ve had enough with feeling depressed and worrying about everything. I’m D-O-N-E! My wife gave me the best gift in the world when she told me to go find myself and make myself happy. This is MY opportunity to rediscover and redefine myself any way I want. This is my chance to do whatever I like. It’s okay to think of only yourself and not worry about what everyone else thinks. When I let go, it hit me. I can have FUN with this! I can make my own rules here. I’m the only one that control what I feel, what I want out of life. Amazing … truly amazing to realize I have a choice … I don’t have to be depressed about my life. It is MY choice and I choose to be happy!
This is my story of discovering I have depression and anxiety. Through this journey I will share my experiences in the hope of healing and beating this beast.
What joy you have found! I am so happy to hear of this new perspective, it is so true, we have choices, our choices effect our well-being. The power of our choices is simply indescribable.
I love how you describe the gift your wife has given you, brings tears to my eyes… a very beautiful realization.