Dec 4, 2009 Posted on Dec 4, 2009 in My Journey | 0 comments

All This And A Broken Heart

I really can’t blame my wife for this. She asked for a separation because she had to. I’ve been living with this for too long and she was the one holding me up. In other words, she was my antidepressant and she was the only therapy I needed. As long as she was willing to put up with it I guess I would have continued to deteriorate into oblivion.

Well, she finally reached her limit. My wife had gone through her own discovery of herself last year. Because I was bottled up, holding everything back for a number of years, she knew the only way for her to be happy was to do it herself. And she did just that. So last year she started working out, losing weight and it was obvious she found her true self once again. She was no longer content with me and my issues … she was going to be happy. She was no longer relying on ME for her happiness.

That’s the toughest part of all of this … the possibility of losing my beautiful wife, my best friend, my soul mate.

Near the beginning of this year she came to me and told me about what she had done for herself. Then she proceeded to tell me I need to not rely on her for my happiness. That I needed to make her a priority, instead of working and bottling up my emotions, and show her that I loved her for her. Well I got the message … or at least I thought I did. I worked on it the way I’ve always done. I was paying more attention to her and telling her I loved her. But actions speak louder than words. She could tell I was just going through the motions. The little things like calling her in the middle of the day, texting her just to say I was thinking of her or just hanging out with her and just talking. Those are the things that show love and affection. And not the forced actions or false affection because I thought that is what she wanted.

Enough is enough … this time she isn’t going to be there for me and she thinks its best we separate for now. This isn’t healthy for either one of us. Of course, I wanted to blame her and tell her she is wrong … but I knew in my heart she was right. I have depression and anxiety, this was my battle to fight and not hers. Her timing was impeccable as the business was failing and I thought there was no way out. So when she told me I was failing in the marriage everything I thought I knew was gone in that moment. Everything. I lost all control … I had hit rock bottom.

I cried for days, lost 20 pounds in a week, and simply could not function as a human being. Now I’m on a new journey. The medication, the therapy and my faith in God have really helped me as I am moving forward. I have made major steps in adjusting around the failing business. All of my clients are working with me to finish projects and creating new schedules so that I’m not overwhelmed. In fact, the compassion shown by my clients, my friends really, has been nothing short of astounding. I simply could not believe they all would understand what I was going through. ALL of them did and they have supported me tremendously through this tough time in my life. So now the work part of this is finally on the right track. But what about my marriage?

That’s the toughest part of all of this … the possibility of losing my beautiful wife, my best friend, my soul mate. When everything in YOUR world comes crashing to the ground, and you start to sort through the rubble, your priorities change in an instant. If you take everything away from me and I’m only allowed to chose one thing … without question my family is the only thing I need in this world. Everything else seems easy compared to dealing with losing my marriage. I know I’m on the right path and I will beat this thing. But doing it without her is undeniably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

So am I angry with my wife? Do I blame her for all of this? Is she being selfish? Is she a bad person? The answer is a definite NO. I admit in the beginning I didn’t understand why she pulled the rug out from under me. I really couldn’t see why she had to stop being the wife she had always been. Why was she not going to support me now of all times? I now see I have a problem … how come I have to do this alone? Truth is, I’m not alone. She just can’t be part of it.

Back to my first statement, she had to do this. If she didn’t I would still rely on her for my everything. This experience opened my eyes to what I’ve become. I didn’t just shut her out … I shut out everyone. My parents, my friends and my colleagues. Now I’ve started to reconnect with everyone I know. I’m hooking up with old friends I haven’t spoken to in years, calling or texting my parents daily, talking to my sister, finding friends on Twitter, and just opening up to everyone. This feels good. I’m finally coming out of my self-imposed shell and starting to live life again. While it feels right, and I know this is what I must do, I still have a enormous hole in my heart. I am on the right path … I only hope and pray she will be there somewhere along the way.

We can’t be together while I’m battling this. It isn’t healthy for anyone. If I have any hope at all for rebuilding my marriage, I must get myself healthy before I can go to her. I know this … but it doesn’t make it easier. In the meantime I am professing my love for her here in my blog, on Twitter and to anyone that will listen. She doesn’t want to hear it right now and I understand that. However, someday I hope she reads this blog, as she does not know about it yet, and maybe then she’ll be ready. Maybe then she’ll know just how much she means to me. I love her with all of my heart and I miss her terribly.

I have to face all of this, battle the depression, stop worrying about everything, close my business, find a job, pay the bills, keep the house, feed the family AND somehow make myself happy in the process. I have to do ALL of it. And do it with a broken heart.