Nov 25, 2009 Posted on Nov 25, 2009 in My Journey | 0 comments

My World is Starting to Crumble

My world consisted of my business. I was so totally consumed by it, as if nothing else existed around me. Completely shut-off from the world, my wife became very unhappy. Now my wife is not needy. In fact, she is very much the opposite, she is very giving. With me consumed with running my business, she was the one putting forth all the effort in the marriage. She is the one that would take me places, get me out of the house, anything to spend time with her and my kids. She was my emotional support and I needed her to be because I simply was not capable. This is when the wheels started falling off.

After working all summer to make ends meet and just scraping by to keep the business going, I planned a trip to visit two of my clients. The first leg of the trip took me to Texas for three days, then the following week I traveled to Georgia for five days. My objective was clear. I needed to sell more work to make it to the end of the year. This was the only thing on my mind. Being consumed by this task I didn’t speak to anyone … including my wife. That is what triggered the events that would change my life forever.

While on the road I barely made contact with my wife. I only called to inform her where I was or what I was doing and really didn’t stay on the phone too long. I would text her maybe a few messages, but still not enough to amount to anything. During the second week of traveling I missed the entire day without contacting home. “I was tied up,” I’d say, but this was an excuse. I could have taken a few minutes during the day to at least say good morning or thinking about you, but I didn’t. I had one task to complete and that was all that mattered. Unfortunately, that is not what my wife saw.

So the trips were over and I was headed home to share the good news, I sold enough to keep us going. When I got home I found my wife talking on the phone or occupied with other tasks to keep busy. She was avoiding me. It was late so we went to bed without too much conversation. Next morning I had to take my daughter to her softball game which got me out of the house early and kept me away all day. Coming home later that night I found my wife on the phone again. I got ready for bed and went to her to tell her I would like to spend some time with her. She replied that obviously I was tired and I should just go to bed. I didn’t argue … I was tired. Second day of the softball tournament my wife goes with us to the games. It was very uncomfortable and it was obvious something was up. She kept herself busy and avoided me all night when we got home … so I confronted her for the first time.

The conversation started with an argument we have almost every six months. It’s like clockwork that way. As it goes she is the only one putting forth any effort and I’m like a zombie just going through the motions. She compares us to being just roommates instead of husband and wife. Well, as I’ve stated, we’ve had this conversation several times before why would this time be any different? We always get back on track after spending time apart … right? Nope, not this time. She has had it with me and has stopped trying.

Instead of repeating our normal pattern of me trying for a while only to get pulled away by work, she had other plans. She told me she could no longer go on this way and that she is not happy. She could also tell I was unhappy. And I was, but not about the marriage. From her point of view she told me that she was on the fence with the marriage and she did not want to have contact with me for a while. In other words, she asked me for a separation. I was not prepared for this. After nearly killing myself to get more work for the business, my wife is leaving me? Wait … doesn’t she realize I work for her and the kids? Doesn’t she understand the pressure I am under? Yes, she did, but she also could see something I just didn’t want to admit … I have severe depression. It feels like my world is crumbling under my feet.