Nov 22, 2009 Posted on Nov 22, 2009 in My Journey | 0 comments

How did I get here?

I guess this has been a long time coming. This beast that has been building inside me, for only God knows how long, has been unleashed. The beast is made up of all my deepest fears, insecurities, guilt and worry. It controlled me. Guarding my heart not allowing me to feel or be close to anyone … especially the ones I love the most. Relentless anxiety was chewing away at my soul feeding the beast making it stronger. It is like I’ve never known peace. I had forgotten what it was like to relax and let my mind just wonder.

That’s just it, the beast took over my mind. I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone without feeling anxious or worried about something else. If I was at work I was worried about my home, money, paying bills … everything. When I was home I couldn’t just sit back, relax and enjoy my family. No, I was consumed by this thing living inside of me telling me I should be working, should be making money, should be getting things done for that is what I did. I’m the strong one. I’m the one responsible for keeping it all together. I must take care of my family. I must be a success. I have to, my wife and kids are depending on me.

Relentless anxiety was chewing away at my soul feeding the beast making it stronger.

My need for success was mainly driven by my own pressures. I felt like the more money I made the happier we would be. Truth is money was always an issue, especially with me. I could spend money without any regard to consequence. Running credit cards up … I just didn’t care. I could always make more money, I need things. Things make me happy, my wife needs things, my kids need things, bring on the happiness. It never came.

So I worked. Worked all the time … literally. At the office, at home, in bed, on weekends … just never stopped. If we need all these things then I must work. And I am good. Good at what I do. Every person I ever worked for always sung my praises. Why wouldn’t they? I work hard and my intensity would rival a pit bull. I was passionate about my work ethic and I challenged anyone to work harder than me. No one did and now I know why.

Everything began to unravel when I started my own business. It was always my dream to own my own business and be the boss. If I’m that intense working for someone else I must be good on my own. I was wrong. With my intense personality my need for perfection overwhelmed the people I worked with and pretty soon I found myself becoming someone else. Everything started slipping, deadlines were being missed, work was sloppy and I was losing credibility fast. I was no longer Mr. Dependable. I had taken on the world and I would not fail.

Well … I failed. I was so tied up in my own misery and anxiety that I cut myself off from everyone. In the process I’ve hurt the people I love. My wife held a mirror to my face and told me she didn’t like the person I’ve become and she did not want to be with me anymore. This came at the almost the exact moment I realized the business was failing on November 13 … Friday the 13th. On that day my life as I’ve known it ceased to exist. I was devastated … literally destroyed. I had a nervous breakdown and I only had myself to blame for it. I finally admitted I needed help, I can’t take on everything, I can’t be all things to everyone without losing myself in the process.

And now, as I face this thing head on my focus is to rebuild my life and strive for happiness and peace. I’ve received medical treatment and started therapy. This is my story, my battle with myself. As I untangle the knots that my life has become I am sharing my story with the world in the hope for peace and understanding. And hopefully this story will help others feeling overwhelmed, hopeless and depressed … no one should feel this way.