Nov 28, 2009 Posted on Nov 28, 2009 in My Journey | 0 comments

Friday the 13th The Meltdown

It is the next day after the “talk” with my wife. She refused to sleep in the same bed with me, so I woke alone. I got up, showered and headed out the door for work. As I am leaving I try to say goodbye to my wife, but then it started to come out. The previous night’s conversation came rushing back to me and my emotions took over. I started to cry and it would not stop.

Now, I never cry. I hold everything in and never let it out. This time however there was no way I could control it. Everything was coming out all at once. Every emotion I’ve ever felt in my life was emanating from me. This was the start of a complete meltdown.

I sobbed in my car before I left my house for about 15 minutes. The sobbing was violent, relentless and it felt like I was dying. Finally, I composed myself for I had an appointment before heading into the office. Holding it together, I made it through my appointment and headed to the office. On the way I decided to call my business partner to have a private conversation before seeing my employees. We decided it would be best for me to pick him up outside the office building and take a quick drive. We ended up at a park where I filled him in on the events that lead up to this meltdown. Discussing the stress of the office, the dire straights the company was in, the possibility of losing my wife and that I needed professional help. This was the first time I considered that I may have depression.

The day did not get any better. We drove back to the office where I would try to face the rest of my day. It didn’t last long. As I tried to hold it together, I received a call from one of my clients. I couldn’t even get one word out as I told him I couldn’t have the call. I broke down again in tears. After that call I wrote emails to others I had scheduled for the day. Then I went home to be alone.

No one was home, thankfully, as I made my way to my bedroom. I sobbed for nearly two straight hours with no relief. When my wife got home later that afternoon we tried to talk. Admitting to her that this was an issue I did not want to face, I explained she had shown light in areas I did not wish to explore. She talked and I sobbed. It was extremely painful to experience as emotions were streaming out of me with no end in sight.

Somehow we muddle through the evening. Dinner with the family, TV and then time for bed. It is late so I go on to bed. My wife is on the phone with a friend working on her latest project. They talk for nearly four hours. Exhausted, emotionally drained and scared out of my mind I ask my wife to please come to bed. She appears in the bedroom only a minute or two later. As we begin to talk and I ask her why she is talking on the phone for so long, she looks right in my eyes and says, “you realized I asked you for a separation … didn’t you?” Oh my God! No, I did not hear those words last night. She told me last night she was on the fence with the marriage and I needed to deal with my issues before we could go any further. So when I heard the word “separation” I lost all control again. Sheer panic went through me, I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t breathe, after all we’ve been through she wants to leave me?

I got zero sleep that night. Sobbing uncontrollably all night in my bed alone. At one point I simply screamed into my pillow out of pure frustration. From the other room my wife came in to comfort me. Thinking I had a nightmare she asked if I was alright. I simply replied, through sobs, “I’m awake. I’m living my nightmare.”

This routine of unyielding terror and constant tears did not stop all weekend. It was time to see the doctor and get help as soon as possible. There is no denying it any longer. The time was now and I could no longer hold anything in. Monday could not come soon enough.