Dec 22, 2009
One Crazy Ride
My journey is now 8 weeks old. It has been that long since my wife asked for a separation, I lost my business and I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. This has been one crazy roller coaster ride … let me get everyone up to speed. About 2 weeks ago I really had a breakthrough. I decided to have fun with this! This was my chance to rediscover who I am, what I want out of life, and reconnect with people again. The business went down, but new opportunities presented themselves. Good opportunities. I ended up getting hired by one of my clients with a stable income and more security. This is exactly what I needed right now. I’m able to keep my home and my family fed. Things were looking up and I was really starting to feel good … that is until … I had to... read more
Dec 15, 2009
Beautiful Moment
I stopped for a long moment today Staring at a picture of you You in your wedding dress Remembering the feeling of that day You were taken from my dreams My dream girl in the flesh What a beautiful bride My mind continues to wander The day you had our first child Exhausting night into the next day The look on your face as you heard, “its a boy!” A fleeting second of shock Wiped away with elation and delight What a beautiful mother My mind drifts through the years Many memories of you flood my mind You giving, supporting, loving Bright eyes smiling at me, my heart melts Through the years of joy and pain You held me up with just a glance What a beautiful wife Putting the picture down, the moment nearly passes Seeing you today with new eyes Thinking of the woman you have become A... read more
Dec 11, 2009
A Few Haiku/Senryu Poems
Smiles come from the heart Happiness is from within Show yourself to me Loneliness hovers Overhead looming darkness Until you walk in Why do I take a breath When you are the air I breathe And you are not here I was in the dark Searching for my happiness Joy is in the... read more
Dec 9, 2009
Enough is Enough
Today it happened. It came to me from out of nowhere and smacked me right upside the head. I have a new understanding, a renewed sense of purpose that I pray and hope will last. Finally … I have had enough. I started the day like any other, feeling down about the separation from my wife, wondering how I could possibly face the day, cried for a bit, and then lumbered into the shower. Great … another day in paradise I thought. However, this morning I had an appointment with a new therapist. Not that my first one didn’t help me, she did, but not like this. I made an appointment with a Pastor/Counselor at my church. The church is big and has a large staff of counselors to help with depression and anxiety. This turned out to be the turning point. I had my appointment at... read more
Dec 6, 2009
I’m In A Pickle
If you’ve been reading this story then you know the basics. If not, let me get you up to speed. I’ve been running my own business for 3 and a half years. Before that, I moved to Florida with the promise of a prosperous career with a new company. In a little less than 6 months I found out the company was in trouble. The company then sold out and I was able to retain the new owners as a client … and that’s how the business started. Ever since I’ve moved here, I’ve never once felt like I was on solid ground. I guess that is when the depression really got started. I believe now that I may have had it quite a bit longer, but from that point everything got worse … especially the anxiety. I was constantly worried about something, work, bills, house,... read more
Dec 4, 2009
All This And A Broken Heart
I really can’t blame my wife for this. She asked for a separation because she had to. I’ve been living with this for too long and she was the one holding me up. In other words, she was my antidepressant and she was the only therapy I needed. As long as she was willing to put up with it I guess I would have continued to deteriorate into oblivion. Well, she finally reached her limit. My wife had gone through her own discovery of herself last year. Because I was bottled up, holding everything back for a number of years, she knew the only way for her to be happy was to do it herself. And she did just that. So last year she started working out, losing weight and it was obvious she found her true self once again. She was no longer content with me and my issues … she was going... read more
Dec 3, 2009
It was always you
You are the sunshine after the rain You are the laughter after the pain You are the vision in my dream A vision of sparkling blue eyes that gleam I love you deep and true It was always you You are the wind in my sail You are the wag in my tail You are the voice inside my head The last voice I hear as I lay down to bed All I do, I do with you It was always you You take away my fears You wipe away my tears You are the light of my life I have always been proud to call you my wife The first time I saw you, I knew It was always... read more
Dec 2, 2009
Who is me?
The lover, Adoring husband, loving father, romantic at heart … Is this me? The artist, Passionate thinker, creative mind, carefree spirit … Is this me? The businessman, Mighty dollar, tactical consultant, strong work ethic … Is this me? The coach, Fair minded, strategy focused, team before player … Is this me? The student, Learned mind, keen observer, knowledge empowers the soul … Is this me? The man, Heartbroken, questions everything, humbled by life … Is this me? Yes … this is... read more
Dec 1, 2009
Doctor Visit
Monday finally came after a long and torturous weekend. My doctor’s appointment was first thing in the morning. Discussing the events, my terrible anxiety, the inability to get things done, and of course, separating from my wife, the doctor immediately confirmed that I have severe depression with a healthy dose of anxiety. Great! Now what? The first step … medication. She prescribed Zolof to help me feel better telling me it helps a chemical imbalance in my brain. Apparently the depression and anxiety can be treated by altering my brain chemistry. I wasn’t aware of this, but it is quite common. The bad news was that they will take 3 weeks to a month before I start feeling better. I simply could not bear the thought of living this way for that long. I couldn’t... read more
Nov 28, 2009
Friday the 13th The Meltdown
It is the next day after the “talk” with my wife. She refused to sleep in the same bed with me, so I woke alone. I got up, showered and headed out the door for work. As I am leaving I try to say goodbye to my wife, but then it started to come out. The previous night’s conversation came rushing back to me and my emotions took over. I started to cry and it would not stop. Now, I never cry. I hold everything in and never let it out. This time however there was no way I could control it. Everything was coming out all at once. Every emotion I’ve ever felt in my life was emanating from me. This was the start of a complete meltdown. I sobbed in my car before I left my house for about 15 minutes. The sobbing was violent, relentless and it felt like I was dying. Finally, I... read more
Nov 28, 2009
The Thief
I am the thief that stole your sunshine You were the only light I ever needed Your radiant power is immense It is revealed in your eyes, your smile, your heart As a thief I took without asking I stole what was yours to make it my own What I took filled my heart, filled my soul But it was never truly mine to take, it did not belong to me Now the sun is no longer shining I must search for my soul in the dark I repent my wrongful deeds I no longer wish to be the thief As I search myself I’ve found my spark A spark desperate to burst into flame Soon the flames will form my sun A source of light that will burn inside of me When the light is strong enough you will see me For I will no longer be hidden by darkness I am the thief that stole your sunshine And I am giving it back to... read more
Nov 25, 2009
My World is Starting to Crumble
My world consisted of my business. I was so totally consumed by it, as if nothing else existed around me. Completely shut-off from the world, my wife became very unhappy. Now my wife is not needy. In fact, she is very much the opposite, she is very giving. With me consumed with running my business, she was the one putting forth all the effort in the marriage. She is the one that would take me places, get me out of the house, anything to spend time with her and my kids. She was my emotional support and I needed her to be because I simply was not capable. This is when the wheels started falling off. After working all summer to make ends meet and just scraping by to keep the business going, I planned a trip to visit two of my clients. The first leg of the trip took me to Texas for three... read more
Nov 22, 2009
How did I get here?
I guess this has been a long time coming. This beast that has been building inside me, for only God knows how long, has been unleashed. The beast is made up of all my deepest fears, insecurities, guilt and worry. It controlled me. Guarding my heart not allowing me to feel or be close to anyone … especially the ones I love the most. Relentless anxiety was chewing away at my soul feeding the beast making it stronger. It is like I’ve never known peace. I had forgotten what it was like to relax and let my mind just wonder. That’s just it, the beast took over my mind. I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone without feeling anxious or worried about something else. If I was at work I was worried about my home, money, paying bills … everything. When I was home I... read more
This is my story of discovering I have depression and anxiety. Through this journey I will share my experiences in the hope of healing and beating this beast.
